"Tierney, how can you watch that garbage?" my mom says to me every time she catches me watching VH1. Garbage though it may be, VH1 celebrity reality programming. Celibreality as it's so cleverly called, is entertaining, hilarious and as addictive as Diet Coke and Sour Patch Kids. And for all us addicts out there, it's a genre that has begat offspring like an Old Testament prophet.
Surreal Life is the grand patriarch, the Abraham, if you will. The show premiered in 2003. As a twist on the MTV's reality television break through Real World, VH1 put a group of D-List celebrities in a house and taped what ensued. Veterans include that guy who sang "Ice Ice Baby" (Vanilla Ice), that guy who sings "Hammertime" (MC Hammer), that crazy Christian Lady (Tammy Faye), that porn guy (Ron Jeremy), that girl from American Idol (Ryan Starr), that guy from the Brady Bunch (Christopher Knight), that bitchy old model (Janice Dickinson), that motorcycle guy married to Pink (Cary Hart) and that guy who yells (Flava Flav). Because all these people are trainwrecks on their own, putting them all together is an epic catastrophe of Hurricane Katrina-sized porportions. And it makes for some great television.
VH1 figured out pretty quick that this cheaply made crap actually brought in a fair amount of viewers and money. It gave way to spin-offs as quickly as the octo-mom produced children. First came "Strange Love" which recorded the relationship between Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen (a romance sparked on the set of Surreal Life). When they broke up, we got Flava of Love, a Bachelor-like competition for Flav's heart. The show resulted in three seasons and zero successful relationships. New York, a runner up contestent on Flavor of Love got her own similiar competition spin off, I Love New York, which contributed to the spinoff New York Goes to Hollywood, A Real Chance at Love and New York Goes to Work. Flava of Love also inspired Charm School and Rock of Love, featuring 80s rocker Bret Michaels. Contestants who did not win his heart got their own spin-offs as well, with Trophy Wife and Daisy of Love. The Love doesn't stop there; there is also I Love Money and For the Love of Ray J. Let's not forget the other Surreal Life particpant-relationship-oriented show, My Fair Brady, starring Christopher Knight. If you thought your Bib Lit genealogies were complicated, try climbing this family tree.
Though you may not be familiar with what these celebrities did in the first place to earn their spots on a celebreality show, you will get to know their personalities, their daily living habits and their favorite pick up lines. If reality television makes normal people famous, then celebreality makes famous people normal (in the loosest definition of the term). However, things get a little sticky when you are trying to keep straight which of the reoccuring characters were "famous" before the show, and which only got famous by sleeping with the "famous" ones.
When you think about it, these shows are perfect for the typical college student. They are not compelling enough to derail your studies (see: Lost). Yet, they're easy enough to jump into when you have some free time. Because most of the characters have maturity levels of fourth graders, a fourth grader could easily understand the narrative arches (again see: Lost). Due to both its melt-downs and its grammar, celebreality makes for a nice distraction from the rigorous Georgetown academics, as well as the larger, grave issues in the world today. So, mom, that is how I can watch that garbage and how I will continue to watch that garbage, as long as VH1 keeps giving it to me. Judging by the fertility we've seen thus far, I'd say the Cornucopia of Celebreailty is only getting bigger.
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